Tattling and Your Toddler
Why it happens
Children tattle
for the same reasons adults do — to manipulate, to get revenge, to
exert power, or just to get attention. It usually happens among
siblings — brought on by feelings of rivalry — but it can also happen
among playmates. And while tattling is more common among older
children, toddlers may do it too, especially if they are around older
kids.
Susanne Denham, professor of developmental psychology at George Mason University and author of Emotional Development in Young Children,
notes that studies in England have shown that toddlers as young as 18
months learn how to tease their brothers or sisters astonishingly well,
a "skill" they parlay into tattling.
"One child made a joke
about making his older sibling's teddy bear disappear," says Denham.
"For an 18- or 20-month-old that's pretty sophisticated. That's saying,
'I know how to get to you.' Tattling can work the same way."
On
the other hand, Denham says, tattling may be related to a young child's
emerging moral sense: "Something violates a rule that they just
realized exists, they get upset, and they want the rule enforced. But
you're not going to be able to sit them down and ask them what their
moral reasoning is, so you'll have to handle it another way." And it's
something you'll want to handle, because no one likes a tattler.
What to do
Check out the situation.
Before you worry that your child's turning into a whiny tattle-tale,
take stock of the situation yourself. Children need to learn not to
tattle but they also need to feel secure in the knowledge that they can
ask for help when necessary.
As an adult, you know that "Dad,
Jonathan's eating my cookie" is a very different situation from "Dad,
Jonathan's eating roach bait." But your child will need time and
increased judgement to learn the difference.
If your child
continually asks you to intervene in a situation she can and should
handle herself — say her friend Natalie is using all the crayons in her
art box — that's one thing. But if the situation is too much for her —
for example, an older, stronger child is hitting her or teasing her
without mercy, or if her playmate is unlocking the door and heading for
the street — she needs to know that she can come to you.
And
even if the danger's not as clear-cut as eating poison, you may need to
intervene. Two toddlers who are near meltdown are not, realistically,
going to be able to negotiate a solution.
Teach her how to cope another way.
Even if no one's in danger, your toddler will probably need guidance on
what to do instead of tattling. Tell her what you don't like about her
behavior ("Wendy, it sounds like you need some help. I can help you
more if you stop whining and tell me what happened"). If the label's
appropriate, use it, and tell her why ("Tattling is when you try to get
someone else in trouble. It sounds to me like you're angry at Emily.
Can you tell me why?"). This way, she knows why you object to it.
"We all want to have kids who are not telling on each other all the
time," says Denham. "I would probably ignore a lot of it when they're
very young and then as they get a bit bigger tell them there are times
when they have to deal with things themselves."
Ask her
questions to help her explore why she's telling on somebody else:
What's happening here? What's the problem? How can we solve it? Then
figure out an alternative strategy. Can she share, or take turns? Does
she want to play by herself for awhile?
Reassuring her that
you're interested in helping her will soothe her. If tattling is really
what's going on, tell her you'll be happy to listen to anything she
wants to tell you about herself — but not about her friend or sibling.
Go back to the bargaining table.
Once you've heard the complaint, assessed the dangers, and helped them
come up with potential solutions, send your children back into the
fray. What you want is for them to develop their own problem-solving
abilities.
"Work it out" — or some variation of this phrase —
is something Robin Harding, mother of three girls in Devon, England,
recalls telling her daughters. "They wanted my attention, but they were
driving me crazy. So that was my favorite phrase for a while," she
says. "I'd listen, give a hug, and then say, 'Now that sounds
like something you can sort out yourselves.' Or I'd give them a choice:
'I'm busy cooking dinner. You can sort it out yourselves or put it away
till later.' After a while they began to try automatically to do it
themselves."
Separate the children. Among older kids, tattling usually signals competition. But in toddlers, it may just mean exhaustion.
Their social skills aren't highly developed, especially if they weren't
early talkers. When they get frustrated, they kick, hit, bite, and pull
hair — and they may tattle as a way of signaling to you that they're
overwhelmed. Separating your toddler gently but firmly and redirecting
her attention to a quiet project she can do on her own (or to bed for a
nap) may be your best bet.
Don't reward the tattler by punishing the other child.
By tattling, your child is enlisting your aid in whatever complex power
struggle she's involved in. If you jump into the fray on the tattler's
side, you've played right into her hands. Not only will you reinforce
the behavior by helping the tattler achieve what she wants (she gets
your attention and the other child gets into trouble), you also risk
disciplining unjustly if the tattler is exaggerating, which children
sometimes do.
If you stand your ground, your child will soon
understand that some battles are meant for her alone, and that she can
be proud of herself if she handles a situation on her own.
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