Tantrums and Your Toddler
Why it happens
A temper tantrum
is the emotional equivalent of a summer storm — sudden and sometimes
fierce. One minute you and your child are in a restaurant enjoying your
dinner, the next minute he's whimpering, whining, and then screaming at
the top of his lungs because his straw is bent. Children between the
ages of 1 and 3 are especially prone to such episodes.
Though
you may worry that you're raising a tyrant, take heart — at this age,
it's unlikely that your child is throwing a fit to be manipulative.
More likely, he's having a meltdown in response to frustration. Claire
B. Kopp, professor of applied developmental psychology at California's
Claremont Graduate University, attributes much of the problem to uneven
language skills. "Toddlers are beginning to understand a lot more of
the words they hear, yet their ability to produce language is so limited," she says. When your child can't express how he feels or what he wants, frustration mounts.
What to do
Don't lose your cool.
A tantrum is not a pretty sight. In addition to kicking, screaming, or
pounding the floor, your toddler's repertoire may include throwing
things, hitting, and even holding his breath to the point of turning
blue. When your child is swept up in a tantrum, he's unlikely to listen
to reason, though he will respond — negatively — to your yelling or
threatening. "I found the more I shouted at Brandon to stop, the wilder
he would get," says one mother of a 2-year-old. What worked instead,
she discovered, was to just sit down and be with him while he raged.
Staying with your child during a tantrum is a good idea. Stomping out
of the room — alluring as that may be — can make him feel abandoned.
The storm of emotion he's going through can be frightening to him, and
he'll appreciate knowing you're nearby. Some experts recommend picking
up your child and holding him if it's feasible (i.e., he's not flailing
too much), saying he'll find your embrace comforting. But others say
it's better to ignore the tantrum until your child calms down, rather
than rewarding negative behavior. Through trial and error, you'll learn
which approach is right for your child.
Remember that you're the adult.
No matter how long the tantrum continues, don't give in to unreasonable
demands or negotiate with your screaming toddler. It's especially
tempting in public to cave in as a way of ending the episode. Try not
to worry about what others think — anyone who's a parent has been there
before. By conceding, you'll only be teaching your child that throwing
a fit is a good way to get what he wants, and setting the stage for
future behavior problems. Besides, your child is already frightened by
being out of control. The last thing he needs is to feel that you're
not in control either.
If your child's outburst escalates to
the point where he's hitting people or pets, throwing things, or
screaming nonstop, pick him up and carry him to a safe place, such as
his bedroom. Tell him why he's there ("because you hit Aunt Sally"),
and let him know that you'll stay with him until his negative behavior
stops. If you're in a public place — a common breeding ground for
tantrums — be prepared to leave with your child until he calms down.
"When my daughter was 2, she had an absolute fit at a restaurant
because the plain spaghetti she ordered arrived with chopped parsley on
it," recalls one mother. "Although I realized why she was upset, I
wasn't about to let her disrupt everyone's dinner. I took her outside
until she calmed down."
Talk it over afterward. When the
storm subsides, hold your child close and talk about what happened.
Acknowledge his frustration, and help him put his feelings into words,
saying something like, "You were very angry because your food wasn't
the way you wanted it." Let him see that once he expresses himself in
words, he'll get better results. Say with a smile, "I'm sorry I didn't
understand you. Now that you're not screaming, I can find out what you
want."
Try to head off tantrum-inducing situations. Pay
attention to what situations push your child's buttons and plan
accordingly. If he falls apart when he's hungry, carry snacks with you.
If he has trouble making a transition from one activity to the next,
give him a gentle heads-up before a change. Alerting him to the fact
that you're about to leave the playground or sit down to dinner ("We're
going to eat when you and Daddy are done with your story") gives him a
chance to adjust instead of react.
Your toddler is grappling
with independence, so offer him choices whenever possible. No one likes
being told what to do all the time. Saying, "Would you like corn or
carrots?" rather than "Eat your corn!" will give him a sense of
control. Monitor how often you're saying "no." If you find you're
rattling it off routinely, you're probably putting unnecessary stress
on both of you. Try to ease up and choose your battles. Would it really
wreck your schedule to spend an extra five minutes at the playground?
And does anybody really care if your tike wears mismatched mittens?
Watch for signs of overstress.
Although daily tantrums are a perfectly normal part of the mid-toddler
years, you do need to keep an eye out for possible problems. Has there
been upheaval in the family? An extremely busy or harried period?
Tension between Mom and Dad? All of these can provoke tantrums. If
after the age of 30 months your child is still having major tantrums
every day, talk to your doctor. If your child is younger than 30 months
and has three or four tantrums a day and isn't cooperating with any
routines, such as getting dressed or picking up toys, you also may want
to seek help. Your doctor can make sure your child has no serious
physical or psychological problems and suggest ways to deal with the
outbursts. Also, talk to your doctor if your child has frightening
breath-holding spells when he gets upset. There's some evidence that
this behavior is linked to an iron deficiency.
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