Toddler Time-outs: How to make them work
When your child acts up, the best way to nip the behavior in the bud is
often to remove him from the activity at hand and give him some quiet
time alone. This technique, known as a time-out, is an effective,
nonviolent way to shape behavior. Here are the keys to a successful
time-out:
Understand what a time-out is -- and isn't
A time-out isn't a punishment. It's an opportunity for your child to
learn how to cope with frustration and modify his behavior. While your
child is in a time-out, he's on his own, so try to let him sit in
solitude for a few moments. Any attention from you, positive or
negative, will serve as reinforcement for his behavior. Instead, quiet
time alone will allow him to switch gears and calm down. (If you manage
to step aside, you can take a deep breath and do the same instead of
getting caught up in his struggle.) What's great about a time-out is
that it can defuse and redirect an escalating situation in an
unemotional way. It lets you teach your child without setting a
negative example, the way yelling does.
Make sure your child is old enough for a formal time-out
Because toddlers find it hard to sit still, trying to make your little
one stay in a certain place for a prescribed length of time may well
disintegrate into a chase scene. Here's what happens: Your child runs
away from his time-out spot. You catch him, then struggle to make him
stay in one place. You threaten, he laughs, delighted with this new
game — or cries, frustrated by the requirement. You grab, he bolts.
Meanwhile, because he has a short attention span, your toddler forgets
why you wanted him to sit still in the first place. Instead of helping
your child regain his self-control, you find yourself in a power
struggle.
For this reason, traditional time-outs won't really work until sometime
between your toddler's second and third birthdays. Watch for signs that
he understands what's acceptable and what's not. One clue is if he
reminds you of the rules when you break them, too. For example, if he
catches you doing something you normally wouldn't allow him to do —
say, eating a snack on the sofa — he may say, "You're not supposed to
do that, Mommy." Until your toddler shows this kind of appreciation of
the need to follow rules, hold off on time-outs. Otherwise, he won't
understand why he's being corrected, and you may get frustrated and
abandon the strategy prematurely.
Meanwhile, try to distinguish
between your toddler's natural inquisitiveness and willful
disobedience. Childproof your home to reduce the opportunities for
mischief, and use distraction to redirect your child to more suitable
activities. When your young toddler is doing something he knows is
wrong and just won't stop, you can modify time-outs to work as
described below.
Start by taking time-outs together
Before your child is ready for a solitary time-out, you can introduce
the idea by taking what some parenting experts call a "positive"
time-out together. When your child gets revved up and borders on losing
control, say, "Let's take a time-out to read a book until we feel
better." Any quiet activity, such as listening to music, lying down, or
putting together a simple puzzle, will work.
Taking a time-out with you disrupts the spiral of negative behavior
while avoiding the battle of wills that a more formal time-out can
incite. It also painlessly introduces your child to the idea of a
cooling-off period.
Show and tell
When your child can follow simple directions and has a slightly longer
attention span, he's ready for a more traditional time-out. Between the
ages of 2 and 3, you'll probably notice that he's better able to
understand cause and effect. But don't spring the tactic on him in a
burst of frustration — a time-out works best if it's explained ahead of
time. Use simple terms: "When you get too wild or act in a way that
Mommy and Daddy don't think is a good idea, I will call, 'Time-out.'
That means you will sit in this chair for a little while until you can
calm yourself down." Some parents find it useful to act this out or to
use a doll or teddy bear to demonstrate taking a time-out.
Be flexible on the specifics
With a toddler, your goal is simply to introduce the idea of an
enforced break in the action. Such an interruption can be upsetting
enough to your hard-charging, egocentric 2-year-old. Insisting that he
sit in a certain place, in a certain way, for a certain length of time
may be too much for him. Instead of marching him to a special chair,
consider just having him sit still, right where he is. Go easy, too, in
determining how long he needs to stay there. (Don't start following the
commonly suggested one-minute-per-year rule until your child is at
least 3.) Thirty seconds to a minute is generally appropriate for a
toddler. The period should be long enough to refocus his attention but
not so long that he gets frustrated. One option: Have him sit long
enough to say his ABCs once or twice, then redirect him to a different
activity.
Don't expect miracles
As you've no doubt discovered, toddlers are notoriously active,
willful, and unpredictable. Testing limits and gauging your reactions —
over and over again — is your toddler's way of establishing a secure
understanding of his world. Your child may repeatedly toss food off the
table to establish that gravity continues to exist, for example. And he
may repeat an action just to make sure it's still "not okay," with you,
so consistency and patience are very important.
No single disciplinary approach, including time-outs, will transform
your toddler into an obedient angel. You'll want to experiment with a
variety of discipline techniques throughout his toddlerhood to find out
what works best for both of you. In fact, if your child is usually
obedient, you may be lucky enough never to need a time-out. Requests
and redirection may be sufficient. Or you may find that using the
positive time-out technique — changing the pace to a quieter activity —
works well throughout your youngster's childhood. At every stage,
learning which behaviors are normal (or unavoidable) will help keep
your expectations realistic.
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