How to teach your toddler manners
It's true — you'll never get your 2-year-old to chew with her mouth
closed. But you might be surprised what she can learn if you focus on
conveying the idea
of manners, the principle that there are ways to behave and ways not to
behave. Your toddler has actually been learning this lesson for some
time now, as she tests limits and gauges your reactions. If you get the
idea of manners across early and often, she'll catch on faster — and
resist less — when you start adding some specifics later.• Be an inspiring role model. Start by setting an example — something that's easier in theory than in practice. (How faithfully do you write your
thank-you notes?) It may sound simplistic, but the best way to have
polite kids is to be polite. And at age 2, your child wants nothing
more than to be like Mom and Dad. If your spouse is standing in front
of the refrigerator when you need to open it, say, "Excuse me." If your
child gets used to hearing courteous speech around the house, that's
the kind of speech she'll use herself. • Start with the basics.
Saying "please" and "thank you" is usually the first bit of courtesy
any parent tries to teach, and you can start as soon as your child is
using some words to communicate, usually sometime after the first year.
It's going to be a long time before she gets "please" and "thank you"
down, but once your toddler starts talking you'll probably find
yourself automatically tacking on the polite words and pausing for her
to repeat them. Parents have been doing this for generations: "What do
you say?" "What's the magic word?" They were right. For a little extra
reinforcement from every 2-year-old's favorite red furry friend, try
reading Elmo's Good Manners Game. Toddlers will have a great time helping Elmo think of the magic word. • Ask her to join you at the table.
Learning to sit still for more than five minutes straight is a major
achievement for a 2-year-old, so try never to put yourself in a
situation where disaster will strike if your child wiggles or wails.
(You know you always have to take the aisle seat at weddings so you and
the small cranky one can slip out fast, right?) But family dinners can
be terrific practice time. Make sure your goals are reasonable: Fifteen
minutes at the dinner table, butt on the chair the whole time, can be
terribly hard work for your squirmy toddler. You might want to set
incrementally increasing goals, perhaps using a kitchen timer: five
minutes at first and then another couple of minutes as she gets the
hang of it. When having dinner at the homes of friends and relatives,
tell her ahead of time that this is a chance to show off her new
sitting-still skills. When she succeeds, praise her efforts, but not so
much that she feels she's doing something above and beyond what's
normal. And remember, this is a 2-year-old we're talking about — expect
backsliding, and try to stay cheerful about it. • Encourage polite greetings.
At 2 years old, your child can certainly can learn to say "hello" when
arriving for visits or meeting new people and "goodbye" when it's time
to depart. She will be wildly unreliable about it, saying "Hello" very
sweetly on one occasion and then collapsing into shyness or bursting
into tears on the next. But in general it's a good move to teach these
salutations because they pave the way for the more advanced stuff, like
"Nice to meet you" and shaking hands. Some preparation helps here:
"When we get to Grandpa's, we're going to say, 'Hi, Grandpa,' okay?" If
this is the first visit with Grandpa and you think he might have
forgotten what you were like when you were 2 years old, you'll also
need some advance work with him so he doesn't get his feelings hurt
when the grandbaby hides her face and refuses to speak to him.
("Remember, Dad, she's just 2 and might be shy at first.") • Try for playdate civility.
Toddlers' first quarrels are usually over sharing their toys, which
from their perspective is an outrageous thing to ask of them. Don't
expect sainthood, but you'll do your child a favor if you start
teaching her now that when other kids are around she can't hog all the
toys, whether at home or at daycare or preschool. Lay down some simple
ground rules: If there's a favorite one-person toy, everybody takes a
turn with it. Nobody gets to decide how somebody else plays with a toy,
as long as the toy's not being damaged. Nobody gets to hit, shove, or
call people names. Respond to infractions with a clear warning, and, if
necessary, an immediate end to the playtime. Finally, don't forget to
praise your child — specifically naming the swell thing she just did
("It was nice of you to let Tyler throw your ball") — when she does
behave generously or thoughtfully around other kids. And don't forget
to lead by example; grabbing the TV remote from your spouse and
changing the channel is the exact sort of behavior you want to
discourage in your child.
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