Toddler Bedtime Battles
Why it happens
You put your
toddler to bed at 8:30 at night. You hug him, kiss him, and wish him
sweet dreams. It's been a long day. The dinner dishes await you, your
spouse has to pay the bills, the dog needs to be walked, the cat needs
to be fed, and you haven't had a moment to sit down and put your feet
up. But nope — instead of spending the rest of the night catching up on
your chores and spending some precious time with your partner, you're
in and out of your child's room, cajoling him to go to sleep. He
finally does — three hours later. Sound familiar? You'd be surprised at
just how many of your fellow parents face this scenario night after
night.
Sometimes you can tell your toddler's fighting sleep —
he rubs his eyes, yawns repeatedly, and falls apart at the merest hint
of frustration. Other times he may seem wide awake, even hyper, but
this can be another form of exhaustion. What's happening is the toddler
version of "so much to do, so little time"; there's so much going on
around him — Daddy's in the living room poring over the mail, the pets
are scuttling about, and you're moving from room to room — that he
wants to be part of the action. Also, just like other toddlers, your
child is beginning to understand that he's separate from you and is his
own person, so he wants to assert his independence. Refusing to go to
bed at night is one way he asserts control.
What to do
Teach your child to fall asleep alone. If your child will to go to bed only if you're around, he's forming bad habits
that will be hard to break later. The best lesson you can teach him is
how to soothe himself to sleep. Follow a nightly bedtime ritual (bath,
books, and bed, for example) so he knows what's expected of him and
what to expect at night. You can tell him that if he stays in bed
you'll come back in five minutes to check on him. Let him know that
he's safe and that you'll be nearby.
Don't let him dawdle.
Toddlers are great negotiators, and they're no different when it comes
to bedtime. And because they so enjoy the time they spend with you,
they'll do what they can to prolong the time they have with you. Your
child may take his time doing his usual nightly routine, ask repeatedly
for a glass of water, or keep requesting that you come to his room
because he needs something. If you suspect he's stalling, don't let
him. Tell him it's time for bed and that he can finish working on his
art project the next day or find the stuffed bunny the following
morning.
You may want to anticipate all of your child's usual
(and reasonable) requests and make them part of the bedtime routine.
Fill up a glass of water before bed and have him put it on his night
table, remind him to use the potty one more time, and give him lots of
extra hugs to last him the whole night. Then allow your child one
extra request — but make it clear that one is the limit. He'll feel
like he's getting his way, but you'll know you're really getting yours.
Offer him acceptable choices at bedtime.
These days your toddler is beginning to test the limits of his newfound
independence. To help him feel empowered, let your child make choices
whenever possible at bedtime, from which story he wants to hear to what
pajamas he'd like to wear. The trick is to offer only two or three
alternatives and to make sure you're happy with every choice. For
example, don't ask, "Do you want to go to bed now?" He could very well
say no, which isn't acceptable. Instead, try, "Do you want to go to bed
now or in five minutes?" He still gets to make the choice, but you win
no matter which option he picks.
Be calm but firm. Stand
your ground even if your child cries or pleads for an exception to the
going-to-bed rule. If you're frustrated, try not to engage in a power
struggle. Speak calmly and quietly but insist that when time's up,
time's up. If you give into his request for "five minutes more, please"
once, you'll hear it again and again. If he throws a fit, ignore it as
you do other tantrums. By paying attention to him — even if you're
displeased with him — you've reinforced his behavior.
Moving him to a big-kid bed.
Between the ages of 2 1/2 and 4, your child has probably outgrown his
crib and is ready to give it up. Moving from his crib to a bed signals
to him that he's becoming a big kid. You can tell him that part of
getting older is learning how to go to bed when he needs to rest and
doing so on his own. Once he's using his new bed, be sure to praise
your child when he stays in it at bedtime and overnight. After the
confinement of his crib, your child may get out of his big-kid bed over
and over just because he can. If your toddler gets up, temper your
reaction. Simply take him back to bed, firmly tell him that it's time
to go to sleep, and leave. If he still won't stay in bed, you can try one of several strategies recommended by the top sleep experts.
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