Toddler Timeouts: What to do when time-outs don't work
So you've heard great things about the magic of time-outs — the
disciplinary tactic of removing your misbehaving child from the action
for a little isolated quiet time. The only problem is, time-outs seem
to have no effect on your child. Should you abandon the time-out ship,
or stick to it? Here are the five most common time-out problems parents
face, and what to do about them.
Your child ignores you.
If your toddler looks at you blankly or runs the other way when you
call a time-out, she may not be developmentally ready for this tactic.
You'll likely find other disciplinary strategies more effective — and
less exhausting. Keep in mind that children this age are busy exploring
and experimenting, and that what may seem like a tendency to get into
mischief is actually normal inquisitiveness. The best strategies are
childproofing your home and keeping a close eye on your child to limit
her opportunities for getting into trouble. Because toddlers are long
on curiosity and short on attention, it's easy to use distraction to
redirect your child to more suitable activities. For example, if she's
fascinated by the cat's tail, engage her interest in a toy instead. If
she insists on coloring on the table, substitute a paintbrush and a cup
of water for her crayons.
Your child won't stay put.
Most toddlers find it hard to sit still for more than a few seconds,
let alone three minutes. Before your child turns 3, don't feel you must
follow the one-minute-per-year guideline for determining the length of
a time-out. For a toddler, even just 2 to 3 seconds of calm may be
enough time to regroup. As soon as your child has calmed down and
switched gears, the time-out has served its purpose.
If the
problem is getting your child to her time-out place, then you'll need
to teach her to settle herself there. Lead her to the designated place,
and calmly tell her to sit down. If she runs away, avoid an elaborate
chase, and don't get exasperated. Coolly guide her back to the time-out
spot. If she continues to resist, simply sit her down wherever you
catch her. Sit next to her or — if she'll let you — hold her firmly on
your lap for the duration of the time-out. Don't show your anger or
lecture your child; a matter-of-fact attitude works best.
Your child just gets into more trouble during a time-out.
Even though the idea is to remove your attention, you always need to
keep an eye on your toddler. For this reason, it's best not to use your
child's bedroom as the time-out place. Also, your child is still
learning to sleep well on her own, so her bedroom should be a sanctuary
rather than a site for discipline. Choose a chair or a corner that's in
your sight but away from toys, the TV, and windows, or use a playpen
with no toys in it. Make sure your chosen location is safe for a
toddler. Pretend to ignore your child — that is, go about your business
without talking to her — but monitor her using your peripheral vision.
Time-outs only make the tantrums worse.
Tantrums — those screaming, kicking fits that overcome almost every
toddler now and then — are developmentally normal. They tend to burst
forth when your child gets especially frustrated, angry, or
disappointed, usually because you won't let her have or do something,
and she lacks both the verbal skills to express her feelings and the
emotional skills to cope with them.
A child having a tantrum
has lost control, and only she can regain it — interfering won't help.
As you've discovered, forcing your toddler to sit still just makes her
madder. Time-out isn't the best approach in such a situation, because
you aren't dealing with an act of willful disobedience. It's usually
best to let a tantrum burn itself out; your child needs to work through
it. Hard as it is, do your best to ignore the fuss.
It seems as though you spend half the day in time-outs.
Your toddler is constantly exploring — the world is one big experiment
to her. She wants to discover what things are, how they work, and what
she may and may not do. Along the way, of course, she does plenty of
things that she's not supposed to do, from pulling books off shelves to
tossing her cereal off the table. You can't rely on time-outs to
correct every naughty act, though; not only will your toddler find it
hard to connect her actions with all those time-outs, but also you
don't want to risk stifling her natural curiosity.
Save
time-outs for willful disobedience, and ignore things she does that are
irritating but harmless, such as dumping out the contents of a box or
pulling the petals off a flower. These explorations just show you that
she's a normal, intelligent child. Steer her away from trouble spots,
substituting a less destructive activity. Don't be afraid to say no.
Above all, provide positive reinforcement — otherwise known as
"time-in"— such as praise, hugs, and kisses to let her know when she's
doing something you like.
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